july 2005
Gangsta
So, we were on I-5 near Encinitas yesterday, when this huge fleet of buses passed us, all emblazoned with the G-Unit logo. They had played the previous night in San Diego, and were presumably heading up to Los Angeles. Anyway, it was kind of weird to think that Eminem and Lil Jon (Whaaatt??!!), who are on the tour too, as well as 50 Cent, might all have passed within a few yards of our car within the space of a few seconds.
Up in Encinitas, we had a great Hawaiian plate lunch at Kealani’s, then wandered around the shops for a while. We were stopped on the sidewalk by this totally manic, very flamboyant man who looked to be in his sixties, and we literally couldn’t get away for about fifteen minutes as he rambled on about how he is turning an entire city block of Encinitas into an art gallery, and how Cher and Barbra Streisand and Cyndi Lauper will be singing at the opening, and how Cleo Laine will hold his hand while performing Fly Me to the Moon, which he said was written by her husband John Dankworth (although actually it wasn’t), and how he had been kissing all the men at the non-gay bar down the street the previous night, and he thinks I'm “gorgeous” and just loves England, and he’s a millionaire but could he please use my cellphone? Anyway, it was totally exhausting, and I’m having awful flashbacks just typing this, but we managed to get away in the end when, miraculously, Robbie’s cellphone rang and we said we had to leave.
Other than that, not a lot happened yesterday.
We’re off again now to one of the hotels we stay at every few weeks. Lots of time by and in the pool, but I also hope to get some coding in. I’m working on a PHP/MySQL blogging system, mainly to teach myself MySQL, but also so that I can have comments and other nifty features on this site.
Back Tuesday! Or Wednesday!
24 july 2005 ~ 15:28 
Cover story
File this Yahoo! News headline under Stating the Bleedin’ Obvious:
You don’t say!
In other news, Robbie just bought a new computer, a PC with an AMD Athlon™ 64 processor. It’s incredibly fast. Applications open instantaneously. Zero delay when you shut down - everything immediately closes, and a few seconds later the computer is off. It’s remarkable. When I buy or build my next desktop, probably later this year in England, this is what I’ll want. And a 23” 16:9 flatscreen monitor. Etc.
I saw a moth moving across the bedroom floor this morning. When I looked more closely, I saw that it was dead, and was being carried by just three ants. Amazing.
17 july 2005 ~ 14:52
Photo opportunity
Oh, by the way, I’m now a pro user at Flickr, which means that I have an even larger, more powerful photo publishing system to forget to post to.
16 july 2005 ~ 08:15
Palm Springs eternal
So, we went out of town for a few days, to Palm Springs. Damn, it was hot there. 117° the day we left. It wasn’t possible to do a great deal other than float in the pool, sit in the air-conditioned hotel room, drive in an air-conditioned car, and eat in air-conditioned restaurants. Still, it was really nice to get out of town for a while, and the relentless heat there has really made me appreciate the relative coolness of San Diego since our return.
Palm Springs has so much amazing 50s and 60s architecture, much of which appears to be in very good condition. That stuff must be made of pure asbestos to have stood up so well to the scorching of the sun over the decades.
I always leave something behind when I go to Palm Springs, though, for some reason. Maybe the heat goes to my head and I can’t think coherently when I’m packing to leave. Last time, I left a brand new pair of boots in my hotel closet - I’m still rather vexed about that. This time, I left my cellphone charger plugged in behind the bed, so I’ve had to switch back to an old phone here in San Diego. I feel like I have a brick in my pocket now.
Next trip: Los Angeles or Reno. Not yet sure which, or when, but I’m only going to be in the US for another six weeks, so it will have to be soon.
15 july 2005 ~ 14:13
London
I had started writing a post about London getting the Olympics, but even such a monumentous event seems trivial after today’s bomb attacks there.
I really feel sick. An attack like this is terrible wherever it happens, of course, but when it happens in your own country it’s particularly wrenching.
The news media are still saying, hours after the explosions, that there are only two dead. Given some of the eyewitness reports, that number seems set to rise, unfortunately.
I don’t know what else to say. This is a dark day for my country.
7 july 2005 ~ 06:16
Celebrity glares
Famous people whom I have (for the most part inadvertently) annoyed, offended, or mildly vexed:
- One day in Covent Garden, in London, I saw the actress Dame Judi Dench looking into a shop window. Starstruck young fool that I was, I approached her and told her how much I had enjoyed her as Lady Macbeth in the BBC production of Macbeth, which I had recently watched. She thanked me as I fished a postcard out of my bag for her to sign, which she proceeded to do, then said “What is this?” and flipped it over to look at the other side. Unfortunately, it was a postcard of Andy Warhol’s cow wallpaper, which I had just bought at the Hayward Gallery. Her smile instantly dissipated. She thrust the postcard and pen into my hand, said “Have a good day,” and turned back to her shop window. Whoops.
- I’ve mentioned this before, I think, but multi-million-selling author and since-disgraced MP Jeffrey Archer came to give a talk at my high school when I was eighteen. I was standing outside afterwards, talking to a friend, when I noticed someone short standing next to me. I don‘t know why, but I said “Who are you?” Yes, of course it was Archer; I hadn’t recognised him immediately. “Oh, sorry,” I said, as he shook my hand. Later that evening, as luck would have it, I was seated next to him at dinner. “And my friend here,” he said, patting me on the shoulder, “will be voting Conservative at the next election!” (or words to that effect). “No I won’t,” I said. That killed the conversation somewhat. He left soon after that, without finishing his meal. Again, whoops.
- One summer day, a friend and I were walking through the Tuileries Gardens in Paris, chatting idly, when we both caught sight of someone about twenty yards away: a rather good-looking shirtless man, walking with a woman and child. I looked at my friend, and said, “Why don't we walk that way?” We rather unsubtly followed him for a good fifteen minutes, when suddenly my friend said, “Oh my God! It’s Guy Ritchie!” I wasn’t sure, so I was manoeuvring to get a better view when he looked at me and gave me the dirtiest look imaginable. Oh yes, it was him - Madonna was performing in Paris that night - and that was his and Madonna’s son Rocco on his shoulders. (The woman must have been a nanny, and Rocco looked exactly like photos I’ve seen of Madonna as a child.) So now he thought we were stalking him. Luckily, he didn’t kick my ass, but walked away instead.
- When I was about twelve, I got hold of Benny Hill’s phone number (I still can’t say how, but it was the real deal), and, being the naughty boy I was, I would occasionally dial it to hear his voice. “Is Margaret there?” I’d say, so that my call would sound like a genuine wrong number. He was polite about it to begin with, but after the fourth or fifth time, he started saying “No!” and slamming the phone down. I stopped soon after that. Damn, I feel terrible about that now.
- In the 1970s, Rod Hull was one of the UK’s most famous television personalities, notorious for physically attacking all kinds of celebrities, including the Queen, with his rubber bird Emu. (You’d have to see it to believe it.) When I was about five, I was thrilled to go backstage after a live show in which he had appeared. I walked into his dressing-room and asked him if I could talk to Emu, who was at that moment being put away into a suitcase. He turned to me and said in a nasty voice, “No, you can’t! He’s asleep!” I was really upset, of course, and didn’t understand what I had done to make him be so mean to me. To this day, whenever I hear his name, I think of the song Rod Hull Is Alive - Why? by Half Man Half Biscuit, and smile.
- In 1991, I waited for Morrissey outside his house in Altrincham, Cheshire. When he came out, he was very gracious, talking with me for about ten minutes while his mother sat in her car nearby, but he was clearly uncomfortable. He left in his mother’s car, but a few minutes later I caught him circling the block with her, craning his neck out of the window to see if I had gone. I’m really sorry I did that now. At the time, I didn’t really appreciate what an invasion of privacy that was. If I could apologise to him now, I would - but I’d have to stalk him to do so, so I won’t.
- When I was at Cambridge, the office of the best-selling mystery novelist P. D. James, who had been made an Associate Fellow of my College, was situated directly above my room, on the next floor. Apparently my music was too loud for her, because I received a request from her, via the Porter, to kindly turn it down. I complied, because one doesn’t deliberately antagonise someone with such an intricate knowledge of how to commit and get away with murder.
- Also in Cambridge, I used to go to the same optician as the renowned physicist Stephen Hawking. One day, after an appointment, I accidentally bumped against his wheelchair as I tried to get around it to the door. Both he and his nurse glared at me without a word. Whatever! Speech-synthesize to the hand!
That’s it, I think. For now, at least. I can think of a few celebrities I’d like to annoy, though…starting with Tom Cruise.
4 july 2005 ~ 16:03
Trimmed bush
In the Kitsilano area of Vancouver, Canada, there’s a house with some very interesting topiary right next to the street.
While I was in Canada, I kept meaning to go back and get a photo of it, but never made it, so thanks to my friend Clark for taking the above photo.
Apparently, there are people who think that whoever trimmed the hedges is completely oblivious to what they ended up resembling, and to that I say “Bilge!” I mean, come on! Not even the saintliest, most sheltered matron with the purest mind could fail to see the resemblance of these plants to a row of proud, towering male reproductive organs, resplendent in their verdant tumescence. How could you trim them like that and not realise what you had done?
Either way, it’s all very amusing, especially for someone with a one-track mind such as myself.
On a related note, I’m really glad I don’t live in the Scottish highland town of Peiness, or have to look for Peiness Accommodation. And I certainly hope they don’t have a curling team. Imagine what they would be called.
2 july 2005 ~ 19:01